There are so many things we grieve without realizing we are
grieving. Maybe that is why my grief went undetected for so long. The next cavern
the Lord brought to light took me by surprise, yet it really was at the core of
so much self-perception. It was time to flush out the stale grieving of my self-worth.
Truth be told, this has taken me months to work through and
the Lord and I just recently finished this “therapy session.”
As with all good co-dependents, self-worth is intrinsically knitted
to how others see and treat us. It is connected to how we feel honored/dishonored
or valued/devalued by others. True to my own humanity, I superimposed these
things onto how I thought God saw me.
No wonder I was so messed up!
Humans make conscious decisions every day to honor or dishonor
through word or action and when we superimpose other’s actions onto our very
loving Heavenly Father, it grieves His heart. In reality, all of us start as
broken pieces trying to find where we fit. Broken pieces cannot give complete,
accurate composites of anything! Even in the light of Christ’s sacrifice on the
cross, my myopic view of my self-worth was just as fractured and broken as the
people whose eyes I was looking through.
This was not going to heal until I got my eyes off man and
my eyes focused on HIS view of me. During all the years I’ve spent in prayer
and worship, I always pictured myself leaning on Jesus’ chest for a hug or crawling onto my
Abba’s lap.
Perhaps I was afraid because I thought I would see my
mother’s perfectionism, or my dad’s alcohol-laden stare. Yet, how could I know
how Jesus sees me…really SEES me,
unless I look into His eyes and see His love for me reflected there. It took
courage, why, I still am not sure. Perhaps it is because you truly share heart-intimacy
when you look upon your love’s countenance when they gaze into your eyes.
But I chose that day to look upon His face. And it changed
my life forever.
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