Anger feels good. It justifies, drives, and motivates. It even feels powerful.
When protecting my nest from people in the body of Christ, it felt righteous. The reason for the protection is not up for discussion, as that situation is long gone and under the blood of Christ. But the Holy Spirit showed me stench from grave clothes from covering my nest from the church.
The day my ministry dreams died I put on a cloak and became a wounded animal. I was the only one that stood in silence at the edge of the grave of my dreams. My grieving could not be public for I still had an image to maintain and children to protect. Instead I became reactive and protective. Know what happens to a wounded animal when you poke it with a stick?
I was angry for a long time; too long, and it was time to rip that stinky cloak off. They aren't even in fashion anymore! Did you know that the cloak of hurt, anger, and bitterness can seem fashionable to the one wearing it? It can even seem necessary? Yup, as necessary as a flashlight in day time.
This emotional fashion statement didn’t want to be sheared off. When the Lord said, “It’s time, daughter,” my soul screamed somewhere in the shadows of the cavern. A dark wail surged to the surface, a part of my soul that was suffocating in pain. I never recognized it before because it still looked and felt like a fashionable mantle.
I never felt the depth of loss as I was busy surviving and caring for my children. I denied so much because it was too horrible to look at. It was a leviathan – a beast that sucked me under and quietly drowned me. The outside world went on about its business. On the outside, I did too.
Finally, after hours of crying, repenting and finally feeling, the Lord brought me to Isaiah 43:1-
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters (or get sucked under by a leviathan), I will be with you.”
The scripture goes on in verse 18 to remind us:
“Do not remember the former things nor think of the things of old.
Behold I will do a new thing. Now it will spring forth.
I will put a road in the wilderness and a river in the desert (direction and refreshment)."
This grave cloak was finally gone. The light shined in another cavern in the Land of Meh, and I got a new garment of praise!
