We Are Their Example - and Sometimes the Sermon

I have grieved many losses over the years, but this one hurt deeply. And I avoided the Holy Spirit’s prompting to uncover this cavernous path. My weekends of cleaning out caverns with the Lord was usually met with childlike giddiness because I knew that when the Lord cleaned out an area, it was for GOOD. I received such sweet revelation and healing thus far, but this one…no, I knew this one would be different.

I stood at the top of this gaping cavern and felt a crushing weight in my soul as I saw my own responsibility of teaching my children offense with church leadership and spiritual authority. My precious gifts from the Lord watched as I wrongly accused church leadership of falsity and untruth. They watched as I showed them how to play the victim, carry an offense, hurl accusations, listen to lies, and dig wells of bitterness toward leaders in the Body of Christ.

This is not what I was called to as their mother. This was not the mandate of scripture and the heart of God when He granted me the honor of parenting these treasures. Instead of showing them how to speak the truth in love, reconciling misunderstandings, and how to walk in forgiveness, I showed them how to spew accusation, hurt, anger, and spread gossip.

I most certainly lost my mother-of-the-year nomination.

Pain, trauma, lies…changed me. But my bitterness, hurt, anger and fall out from the former changed them.

And I carried the weight of responsibility like a mother carrying her child into the emergency room.

The more I repented, the more light dawned in this painful cavern. The Lord and I spent many hours that day digging, cleaning, and changing my grave clothes. As I repented over my children and proclaimed a release of redemptive work, something shifted.

The Word promises He redeems our life from destruction (Psalms 103:4). Our life is an example to those who watch. A sermon to those who listen. Will we be an example of accusation? Or will we be an example of redemption, grace, mercy and His abiding love in ALL circumstances?

Grave Cloaks are Never a Fashion Statement

Anger feels good. It justifies, drives, and motivates. It even feels powerful.

When protecting my nest from people in the body of Christ, it felt righteous. The reason for the protection is not up for discussion, as that situation is long gone and under the blood of Christ. But the Holy Spirit showed me stench from grave clothes from covering my nest from the church.

The day my ministry dreams died I put on a cloak and became a wounded animal. I was the only one that stood in silence at the edge of the grave of my dreams. My grieving could not be public for I still had an image to maintain and children to protect. Instead I became reactive and protective. Know what happens to a wounded animal when you poke it with a stick?

I was angry for a long time; too long, and it was time to rip that stinky cloak off. They aren't even in fashion anymore! Did you know that the cloak of hurt, anger, and bitterness can seem fashionable to the one wearing it? It can even seem necessary? Yup, as necessary as a flashlight in day time.

This emotional fashion statement didn’t want to be sheared off. When the Lord said, “It’s time, daughter,” my soul screamed somewhere in the shadows of the cavern. A dark wail surged to the surface, a part of my soul that was suffocating in pain. I never recognized it before because it still looked and felt like a fashionable mantle.

I never felt the depth of loss as I was busy surviving and caring for my children. I denied so much because it was too horrible to look at. It was a leviathan – a beast that sucked me under and quietly drowned me. The outside world went on about its business. On the outside, I did too.

Finally, after hours of crying, repenting and finally feeling, the Lord brought me to Isaiah 43:1-

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters (or get sucked under by a leviathan), I will be with you.”

The scripture goes on in verse 18 to remind us:

“Do not remember the former things nor think of the things of old.

Behold I will do a new thing. Now it will spring forth.

I will put a road in the wilderness and a river in the desert (direction and refreshment)."

This grave cloak was finally gone. The light shined in another cavern in the Land of Meh, and I got a new garment of praise!

31 Days Through Stale Grief

Hi, remember me? I used to blog occasionally...then I didn't...then I did...then I didn't...you get the idea. I have been in a deep cavern for a long time, but am finally finding my way out to the daylight. Starting today, October 1, I am partaking in a 31-day challenge to write...ANYTHING! So I am going to do my BEST to rise to the call. 

It may not be good. 

It may not be edited. 

It may not make sense. 

But I am choosing to write. 

So I apologize in advance for dangling participles (what are those really...cause if they are like dangling earrings, I like them). I repent for unclear modifiers (I don't like modifying anyways. Except exercise. I like modifying exercise). Bare with me while I remember how to do this gift that God granted me, but has been sitting on a shelf. According to the rules, I have to write SOMETHING everyday for 31 days, so it may be short. Or it may not even make it to the blog and the masses of readers I have accumulated. Stop laughing. 

Just to be clear - I HAVE been writing, but it has all been in my private, locked away journal. This has been an intense year for many reasons. The Lord has taken me through a journey since January that has blown my insides out, my outsides in, and has granted me a fresh perspective. Now that the dust is settling, I am feeling life again. I am actually feeling LIFE!

The title above "31 Days Through Stale Grief" is just that. A journey to find out what was at the core of a functional depression that I couldn't shake. It wasn't a lack of exercise (I taught fitness 6 hours a week), it wasn't what I was eating, it wasn't that I needed medication. This was different. When I finally was ready to face the answer, I posed the question to the Lord, "What is going on?! Why can't I shake this?" His answer was so surprising to me. He said, "You have stale grief."

That's it. That is all He said.

He didn't say how to take care of it. He didn't give me a road map. He didn't give me a 4-part plan. He didn't even define what that really meant. So I did what any woman in touch with her feelings would do. I called my therapist. She was as surprised as I. She had never heard this term before; but as we unpacked some things, it started to make perfect sense.

Throughout my life, I had MANY earthquakes and shake ups. (Read previous blog posts for a few). When you have several traumatic events one after another, your grief cycle gets interrupted because you have to start processing a new hurt, heartache, trauma or transition. All these things take time to process to the human heart and often times, grieving is a part of that process. When it gets interrupted, that trauma can silently sink into a cavern in your soul and take up residence.

Eventually, it will start to stink.

That stink is often in the form of functional depression.

So, for my myriad of avid readers and fans (really, stop laughing), that is where I have been. And this 31 days of posts will show you how the Lord and I climbed out of the stale cavern called grief and found life once again.