Grave Cloaks are Never a Fashion Statement

Anger feels good. It justifies, drives, and motivates. It even feels powerful.

When protecting my nest from people in the body of Christ, it felt righteous. The reason for the protection is not up for discussion, as that situation is long gone and under the blood of Christ. But the Holy Spirit showed me stench from grave clothes from covering my nest from the church.

The day my ministry dreams died I put on a cloak and became a wounded animal. I was the only one that stood in silence at the edge of the grave of my dreams. My grieving could not be public for I still had an image to maintain and children to protect. Instead I became reactive and protective. Know what happens to a wounded animal when you poke it with a stick?

I was angry for a long time; too long, and it was time to rip that stinky cloak off. They aren't even in fashion anymore! Did you know that the cloak of hurt, anger, and bitterness can seem fashionable to the one wearing it? It can even seem necessary? Yup, as necessary as a flashlight in day time.

This emotional fashion statement didn’t want to be sheared off. When the Lord said, “It’s time, daughter,” my soul screamed somewhere in the shadows of the cavern. A dark wail surged to the surface, a part of my soul that was suffocating in pain. I never recognized it before because it still looked and felt like a fashionable mantle.

I never felt the depth of loss as I was busy surviving and caring for my children. I denied so much because it was too horrible to look at. It was a leviathan – a beast that sucked me under and quietly drowned me. The outside world went on about its business. On the outside, I did too.

Finally, after hours of crying, repenting and finally feeling, the Lord brought me to Isaiah 43:1-

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters (or get sucked under by a leviathan), I will be with you.”

The scripture goes on in verse 18 to remind us:

“Do not remember the former things nor think of the things of old.

Behold I will do a new thing. Now it will spring forth.

I will put a road in the wilderness and a river in the desert (direction and refreshment)."

This grave cloak was finally gone. The light shined in another cavern in the Land of Meh, and I got a new garment of praise!

The Enemy of Preference

Some people prefer vanilla over chocolate (I still can't understand this).

Some men prefer blonds to brunettes.

I prefer flavored coffee over regular.

But when the Lord started nudging me to a new church different from the denomination I'd served in for over 20 years, I said, "But Lord, I prefer this denomination. I have grown up in, led worship in, and even preached in this denomination." I married, served, raised children within the walls of this denomination. It was like a part of my family.

So the Lord watched and waited. I fussed.

Then one Sunday when road construction kept me away from my preferred church, I decided to go to the other one instead. I slipped into a seat in the back as the visiting pastor gave his opening statement, "Preference will keep you from your destiny."

I was stunned. The pastor went on but my attention was riveted by that one statement. I pondered and marinated it in my soul and spirit for the rest of the service.

When service concluded, I was chatting with a mother when her two sons approached us. Like a slow-moving funnel cloud, the gift of discernment and knowledge swirled to the surface and I was able to see a gifting mantle on each boy. When I mentioned this to the mother, she started crying. "Yes! That is such a confirmation. Thank you!"

For years, my spiritual gifts lay dormant; not because of some dark hidden sin, or I was in the wrong denomination, but because I was in a season of fire burning, healing, and rest. I needed to let the Holy Spirit work without the distraction of ministry and active gifts.

My whole married life I was known within my preferred denomination as my Ex's wife. All ministry came out of being his wife. 

Not just by being me.

Now as I sit in my new church, just being me and being known as "me", the door of possibility swings open before me. Just like the mythical Phoenix, I am rising from the ashes of my past a new creation. The old me is still there - only refined by fire and pressed like fine grapes in a wine press.

I don't know what lay ahead, but I do know that I could have missed an important road on my journey by the enemy called "preference."

The Pharisee vs The Child

I’ve been a Pharisee more times than I care to count. I’m embarrassed to view myself this way, but I must in order to give all legalism within me its walking papers. Let’s look at the comparison of a child of God - meaning one that has that childlike joy of the Love of God - to the all-knowing, all-seeing, oh-so-perfect Pharisee.

The Pharisee - Sees the Word as a manual of instructions
The Child - Sees the Word as love letters
The Pharisee - Sees God as a bookkeeper of wrongs
The Child - Sees God as a loving parent who overlooks childlike mistakes
The Pharisee - Demands sacrifice and obedience
The Child - Delights in mercy
The Pharisee - Uses fear of displeasing God as a means of manipulation
The Child - Doesn’t understand how you can displease a loving Father
The Pharisee - Blames, accuses and uses guilt and points fingers
The Child - Points the finger into the heavens and delights at what he or she finds
The Pharisee - Has a consummate gift of noticing the speck in another’s eye
The Child – Helps the other person bath the eye until the speck is removed
The Pharisee - Believes keeping the law earns God’s love
The Child - Believes being loved by God helps motivate one to keep the law
The Pharisee – Pursues a lifestyle that minimizes mistakes
The Child - Makes mistakes and learns from them
The Pharisee – Surrenders control of their soul to rules
The Child - Surrenders control of their soul to Jesus
The Pharisee – Has a fascination with honor and power
The Child - Doesn’t care
The Pharisee – Emphasizes personal effort and achievement
The Child - Emphasizes exuberant joy at God’s love
The Pharisee – Edits feelings and makes stereotyped responses to life’s situations
The Child - Is aware of his or her feelings and loves to express them
The Pharisee - Represses emotions
The Child - Is spontaneous with emotions
The Pharisee – Loves labels
The Child - Can’t read them
The Pharisee – Dominates people and situations to increase prestige, influence, and reputation
The Child - Accepts people out of sheer delight of who they are
The Pharisee – Seeks to master God
The Child - Wants to be mastered by God
*Paraphrased from Abba’s Child By Brennan Manning.
**Just my random thoughts

For years, I’ve been dominated and mastered by Pharisees in the church. They counseled me to be submitted and obedient and God would bless me. This is true; however there are times when submission to the Lord is more important than submission to a perceived mandate (i.e. the institution of marriage is more important than the individual). I always thought these leaders knew better because they had the mantle/title of pastor or leader. They were merely a Pharisee in hiding.

I feel like I’ve been untangling a large knotted ball of twine the last few years. It is exhausting to figure out which way the knot goes and which way to pull it out - Am I in sin, am I not? Is the sin of divorce worse than the sin of lying or stealing? Will God still love and bless me as a divorced woman because I was the initiator of the horrible deed?

It is like a monumental sifting process.

I’ve forgotten how to be a child of God. I’ve been a Pharisee looking in the mirror.