Abba’s Child

I wonder if God likes me. Not loves me like the Bible says He does or like the song “Jesus love me this I know”. I mean LIKES me.

Isaiah 49:15 says, “Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.” I vividly remember nursing my babies. It was one of the most tender, loving, bonding times I’ve ever had with them. It was the one time, besides their stay in my womb, that they were attached to me physically for their survival. I remember watching their little mouths work and their sweet lashes resting on their cheeks in blissful contentment. The wonderment and love that swelled through me was tangible.

Is it like that with Him? When He see’s our head bowed, eyes closed, mouths working in our supplications to Him, does He feel that same wonderment? I believe He does. For His great love for us He gave His ONLY son to die for us.

I couldn’t do that. No one hurts my son if I can help it. He is the first light of my life from my life. Flesh of my flesh. Bone of my bone.

Yes, my Abba likes me very much. As a matter of fact, He is very fond of me.

But how does my Abba feel toward those who have wounded His suckling babes?
The same way. Matthew 5:45 says, “…for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

Darn it!

What about the wolves who ravage His sheep?

Ditto.

We’re not talking about consequences here…for there are consequences to those who wound or ravage His little ones. I’m talking Love. The same way He loves me.

This one is so hard to swallow, but swallow this medicine I must. For this understanding is the same well that forgiveness feeds from. Tasting like compassion, this medicine becomes forgiveness when we allow it to soak into our spirit and soul.

Soaking takes time.

I have walked this same rocky terrain in my marriage for over 20 years. Even after multiple betrayals, I finally taste a bit of compassion. Forgiveness started its long journey through my soul; but it has so many more places to soak.

So why not wait to divorce? Wait to allow time for forgiveness to have its complete work? Because, unfortunately, it won’t change the behavior that keeps getting me in this mess. That is the understanding I came to the last time this happened 7 years ago; however, I was willing to be willing to stay if certain boundaries were agreed upon and followed. Yes, the little girl finally had the courage to say “no more.”

I’ve discovered even when we give forgiveness a road map through our soul, there are consequences to sin. This is where I am now - dealing with the consequences of another’s choices and sin.

It sucks.

But I am determined to allow the compassion to blossom and forgiveness to have its complete work; regardless of my husband’s change in his behavior. My forgiveness is not based on his behaviors. One of my new favorite quotes is, “The heartfelt compassion that hastens forgiveness matures when we discover where our enemy cries.”*

That is how I forgave my father. The Lord showed me where he cried as a young boy. The Lord is also showing me where my husband’s wounds have opened the door to deceit in varying forms. This doesn’t give him an excuse for the behaviors; but it does give me the door to walk through and offer a precious gift that my Savior modeled as He hung on that cross and looked upon those crucifying him.

I have a long road and a lot of soaking to do!

*Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning, NavPress, 2002.