Shedding Titles for a Testimony

I’ve come to believe all pastors and church leadership are suspect. Of what…well that depends. Pastor Tom was the only pastor in MY church history that truly deserved the title and role. His name is synonymous with integrity, grace, kindness, and a million other adjectives that really don’t do him justice. I describe him to people as “the Holy Spirit with skin on.”

He recently became my champion and my hero when, after months of being separated from my husband, I’d told Pastor of my decision to divorce. I remember sobbing in his office just a month ago saying, “I just can’t take it anymore, Pastor!” My husband, still holding out hope, told Pastor that he still loved me. I told him that wasn’t enough.

Pastor Tom, in his infinite – ok…finite, but great – wisdom looked at my husband and said, “What if one day you asked your wife to go jogging with you. While you were jogging you tripped her and broke her leg. You said, ‘I’m so sorry’ and she said, ‘I forgive you; however, my leg is broken and it needs time to mend. After it mended, you asked her to go jogging again and again tripped her and broke her leg. Again, you profusely apologized. She said, ‘I forgive you; however, it will take longer for my leg to heal. Then, when she was healed you asked her to go jogging a third time and again you tripped her and broke her leg. You, again, profusely apologize. She says, ‘I forgive you; however, my leg has been broken too many times and I can no longer jog with you.”

Then he looked at me and said, “What if we lived in a land that had a law stating you MUST jog every day? What if you went to the law-giver of this land and stated, ‘My leg has been broken too many times, I can no longer jog.’ The law says you must jog…but Grace says, ‘your leg has been broken too many times, of course you cannot jog.”

All the pain and heartache somehow had words that night. Words and a picture so vivid, it quieted my soul. It quieted my husband too! I think at that moment, he got it.

Yes, Pastor Tom had always been a great man, but that night he became my hero. In a later conversation when I told him of my fears of judgment from the Body of Christ, he said, “You will never hear judgment from me. I do not blame you for divorcing and if anyone speaks judgment to you send them to me.”

We buried my hero today. He died on May 20.

There is no earthly hero to champion me in the face of human judgment for what they call the great sin of “Divorce.”

At the funeral, a pastor gave a beautiful eulogy stating, “Tom was not about titles. He was about his life being a testimony.” That hit me between the eyes. I have lived my whole life seeking titles:  Dance Teacher, Wife, Mother, Pastor’s Wife, Teacher/Speaker, Writer, Author, recently a Zumba Fitness Instructor. Now I was adding one…Divorcee. Ok, if you want to be really technical it would be Co-dependent Divorcee. Sounds more…trendy.

I have been hiding behind one or more of these titles for the majority of my life and somewhere along the way forgot who I am. When I first thought about starting a blog about this journey I was considering some pithy titles like, “I’m wearin’ Big Girl Panties Now” or “Christian, Co-dependent Divorcee seeks Sanity.” Something catchy, innovative, provocative. You know…a title to describe where I was at in life.

A title.

The last thing I need right now is a title. It is time to shed titles and search out my testimony. There is definitely a whopper buried under six feet of child molestation, being the daughter of an alcoholic, surviving a father’s suicide, two public ministry scandals, and living with a deceiver for the last 24 years.

I just have to dig a while to find it…and me.