Caverns, Grave Clothes and the Land of Meh

At the beginning of 2017, I told the Lord I was ready for a catalytic change that would take me from the wilderness and caverns to being joyful again. I was finally ready to see what lurked beneath this “Meh” season I’d been in for 10+ years. What is “Meh” you ask? Meh is the place between, “I’m doing good!” and “I am so depressed I can hardly move.” It has no real definition in Webster’s. It’s just there. It is that nagging pull deep within that we can’t define or really see in our mind’s eye. The symptoms you exhibit when you have been in the Land of Meh are no passion, no life, and almost a cynical irritation that lingers behind what used to be dreams and hopes. Anyone that has been to the Land of Meh knows exactly what I mean.

How everyone gets there is a little different.

If Meh goes on long enough, and traumas do not get dealt with, caverns develop. These are deep recesses in the soul that hold on to hurt, trauma and the like. We can’t always see them or feel them; but we can sure smell the decay of stale pain when it stays there long enough. How does this happen?

We are all familiar with the stages of grief. Some psychologists say there are 4, 5, or even 7 stages. No matter how many roads in the cycle, if any of those are not walked to the fullest or have their complete work and release in our soul, things will linger and go stale.

For much of my life, I experienced traumas or pain and I never fully grieved the changes they brought. I went thru the denial, anger (camped out on this one a LONG time), bargaining, depression, but never quite made it to acceptance before another trauma burst onto the scene. Thus a new cycle of grief, forgiveness, death, etc would begin.

My therapist explained this was the perfect material for cavern-building.

So Holy Spirit and I went to work. Starting January 27th, every Friday and Saturday was spent in concentrated fasting and prayer to climb through the dark caverns to pull out grave cloths left there to rot. Holy Spirit didn’t give me a road map or a sign from heaven. He just brought tears. Lakes and floods of tears as He would remind me of a forgotten heartache. Some were from childhood. Some from my marriage. Others were from my own imperfections as a wife or mother.

No matter the cause or the age, we spent the next four months unpacking stinking, rotting, stale grief.

31 Days Through Stale Grief

Hi, remember me? I used to blog occasionally...then I didn't...then I did...then I didn't...you get the idea. I have been in a deep cavern for a long time, but am finally finding my way out to the daylight. Starting today, October 1, I am partaking in a 31-day challenge to write...ANYTHING! So I am going to do my BEST to rise to the call. 

It may not be good. 

It may not be edited. 

It may not make sense. 

But I am choosing to write. 

So I apologize in advance for dangling participles (what are those really...cause if they are like dangling earrings, I like them). I repent for unclear modifiers (I don't like modifying anyways. Except exercise. I like modifying exercise). Bare with me while I remember how to do this gift that God granted me, but has been sitting on a shelf. According to the rules, I have to write SOMETHING everyday for 31 days, so it may be short. Or it may not even make it to the blog and the masses of readers I have accumulated. Stop laughing. 

Just to be clear - I HAVE been writing, but it has all been in my private, locked away journal. This has been an intense year for many reasons. The Lord has taken me through a journey since January that has blown my insides out, my outsides in, and has granted me a fresh perspective. Now that the dust is settling, I am feeling life again. I am actually feeling LIFE!

The title above "31 Days Through Stale Grief" is just that. A journey to find out what was at the core of a functional depression that I couldn't shake. It wasn't a lack of exercise (I taught fitness 6 hours a week), it wasn't what I was eating, it wasn't that I needed medication. This was different. When I finally was ready to face the answer, I posed the question to the Lord, "What is going on?! Why can't I shake this?" His answer was so surprising to me. He said, "You have stale grief."

That's it. That is all He said.

He didn't say how to take care of it. He didn't give me a road map. He didn't give me a 4-part plan. He didn't even define what that really meant. So I did what any woman in touch with her feelings would do. I called my therapist. She was as surprised as I. She had never heard this term before; but as we unpacked some things, it started to make perfect sense.

Throughout my life, I had MANY earthquakes and shake ups. (Read previous blog posts for a few). When you have several traumatic events one after another, your grief cycle gets interrupted because you have to start processing a new hurt, heartache, trauma or transition. All these things take time to process to the human heart and often times, grieving is a part of that process. When it gets interrupted, that trauma can silently sink into a cavern in your soul and take up residence.

Eventually, it will start to stink.

That stink is often in the form of functional depression.

So, for my myriad of avid readers and fans (really, stop laughing), that is where I have been. And this 31 days of posts will show you how the Lord and I climbed out of the stale cavern called grief and found life once again.

Are You Wearing Your Waste?

I used to work for a jeweler and one of my favorite things was to watch through the glass as the jeweler pounded and twisted the metal into shape. If it wasn’t pliable enough, he would heat it until it shined a burning hot, glowing mass of gold or silver. When he was finally done with his masterpiece – after twisting, turning, pounding, shaping, more heating - he would place a jewel among carefully crafted prongs.

In order for his masterpiece to be successful, the jeweler must work with metals that have been rid of all the dross – what is left after burning all the impurities out of it.

Isn’t it ironic how when sin is in its unrefined state, safely tucked in our humanity, it looks like fun? Sometimes our dross resembles sexual sin, adultery, rage, alcoholism, or addiction. Maybe yours is anger, lying, or expressing feelings without guarding our tongue. Mine looks like fear of failure, fear of abandonment, and a host of random insecurities.

The only way to get rid of it is to have it refined out of us. Our Great Refiner takes us though seasons of purifying – heating up areas in our life that are useless to Him. I always pictured Him scooping the murky scum with a big ladle and discarding it in a heaven-sized trash bin deeming it useless, ugly, and unclean.

That is how my dross looks to me.

Proverbs 25:4 says, “Take away the dross from silver, and it will go to the silversmith for jewelry.”

What a great promise! Our Refiner doesn’t just use what is Ieft after a season of refining. He takes the waste from our souls, and gives it to the Silversmith (I picture this as the Holy Spirit with a big rubber apron) and He makes jewelry from it!

How is THAT for recycling!

He takes the ugliest parts of us – parts that we are ashamed of, parts that scare us, parts that make us cringe – and He makes jewelry from them! Only our Refiner can create this kind of miracle! Only our Master Silversmith can make something beautiful out of rubbish!  

Be encouraged! Seasons of painful refining create something beautiful from that waste. He will mold, twist, and shape your dross and place a jewel in it to create a new treasure.

“They shall be Mine,” says the Lord of hosts, “On the day that I make them My jewels.”  Malachi 3:17

Shaken...again...

The Lord has been talking to me a lot about being shaken in the last week. It reminded me of my post from April 29, 2013. (Click here to read the original post).

This Thursday, a devotional I wrote will be published with The Upper Room, a devotional magazine. Can you guess the title? Shaken. 

Coincidence? No. Divine appointment? Definitely.

This time the shaking had nothing to do with offense, irritation, or other catastrophes; but it was an emotional shaking just the same. There are times in our lives that the Lord authors divine shaking appointments. Not to scare us or challenge our faith, but to sift through that which He cannot use and rebuild from the scattered remains left after the dust settles.

To quote myself from two years ago, “God’s version of shaking brings down works of the flesh so that only the Spirit remains. Still not convinced? Here are just some of the benefits of shaking:

·        It reveals what our foundation is made of and brings us closer to it.

·        It awakens us.

·        It removes what is dead or useless.

·        It reveals weakness and breaking points.

So yes, shaking is necessary, and yes, shaking is Holy. I’ve learned the hard way what your heart clings will be the substance of all your building materials.

Bitterness - this material is brittle and compromises the foundation; so toss that one aside for the Trash Collector. Anxiousness - this one is just as unstable, but masks itself as fear, worry, fretting, and loss of sleep. Again, it is unstable material so leave that one by the curb, too. Hopelessness - this one turns to sand in the foundation so it is useless, put it in the recycle bin to be rolled into the Faith compost pile.

Dear one, we serve a mighty God who authored the heavens and the earth. Unfortunately, this includes earthquakes. Choose to look for - and cling to - His presence and salvation amidst the shaking. If you do, you will have strong materials for restoration.

I’m awake now, and He is pruning what is dead or useless. My weaknesses are again revealed within His loving embrace. Sometimes we have to be shaken and break in areas, just to be rebuilt. Luke 3:5-6

Be encouraged... for if you are in a season of shaking, a season of rebuilding follows. 

Changing Your Palate

I know…it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post, but it’s a new year and a new season in my life and I hope to practice my writing discipline on a regular basis.

One thing the Lord has been working through me is regarding my palate. Did you know, what we eat in our childhood determines our default palate and this default palate determines our cravings? I was raised on sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. There was sugar in our cereal, the donuts we ate every weekend and the processed food we set at our table. My father also owned a vending machine business, so you know what that meant? A refrigerated truck filled with chocolate and candy. I was the envy of all my friends and neighbors.

I was raised in the 60’s and 70’s when we didn’t know the damage sugar could do to our bodies. I wasn’t really aware how this palate has slowly destroyed my colon and led to years battling with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Decades of not being able to digest food properly has led to doctor hopping, supplement experiments, and just general ill-health. I didn’t notice it right away. It was a slow, gradual decline; kind of like putting a frog in a pot of water and turning on the heat. The frog doesn’t notice the heat gradually increasing until death is eminent.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with food allergies (one of them being sugar) and put on a specialized diet did I remember what it felt like to be whole again. My body came back in alignment with God’s original plan for my health. I also noticed I didn’t crave sugar any longer and my palate changed the longer I maintained healthy choices.

Then came Christmas. Adult children, Christmas cookies (did I mention I was allergic to sugar?), baking, holiday pot lucks at work, more Christmas cookies…you get the picture. My health went on a steady decline and I didn’t notice until two months later that I was back at square one (remember our frog?).

In God’s infinite wisdom, or sense of humor, He created us a triune being. So if our physical palate is determined by what we eat, our spiritual palate is determined by what we feed our spirit. What affects us physically is also an indication of what affects us spiritually. Are we in the Word? In His presence? Are we staying away from sinful or unhealthy lifestyles and decisions that taint our spiritual palate?

Our palate guides decisions, physical and spiritual, propelling us away from spiritual or physical health, or toward it. When my physical palate craves sugar and carbs, and I submit to those cravings, my body reacts with poor digestion, inflammation, pain, and malaise.

When my spiritual palate feels lazy, and I submit to what it craves, adopting old sinful or unhealthy habits, it also, will respond with malaise, indifference, and a slow, steady decline until spiritual death is eminent.

In Proverbs 3:7-8, it says “Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh and strength to your bones.”

We can change our palate and what we crave - body, soul and spirit.

The Day Darkness Came – Oso, 2014

The County I live in has been in a dark place for the last week; dark emotionally, physically, and spiritually. On March 22, 2014, the beautiful town of Oso, just 15 miles from my home, was pummeled by a catastrophic mudslide. As I write this, there are still about 90 people unaccounted for.

Blissfully unaware a few hours after the slide hit, my daughter and I were just 5 minutes away from this sweet town. We didn’t even know there was a mudslide until we were evacuated. We didn’t see the mudslide. We didn’t hear the mudslide. But the darkness of pain and death was there nonetheless.

For the last seven days, a whole country has joined us in solidarity - crying out to God asking Him “Why?” “Where were you?” “Where are you now, God?” It doesn’t seem to matter how long a person has been grounded in Faith, we still ask Why when our world caves in. As hours turned into days, the rescue parties turned into recovery teams. In their own way, each one asked Why as they dug in the debris hoping and praying for a miracle.

We aren’t alone in our lament and pain. Even our Biblical forefathers went through their own darkness crying out Why. Moses wanted to run from the darkness of his journey through the desert. David wanted to run from the darkness of his son dying upon birth. Job wanted to run from his darkness when he literally lost everything.

As each Patriarch mapped their journey, they learned the same thing –that God is in the darkness just as He is in the light.

David actually had a name for his darkness: The Valley of the Shadow of Death. He wrote; Yea, thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ¹

Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was, ² for inspiration and guidance.

All of them wanted to run from their valley, but couldn’t. They had to walk through it. And that is where they found Him - waiting to comfort, love, inspire, and rebuild.

Please continue to pray for our precious town of Oso.

¹ Psalm 23:4

² Exodus 20:21

Your Image of God – Is it an Illusion?

The God of my imagination is so small and finite.

I’ve spent too many years with the “God give me…Grant me…Bless me” relationship with my Beloved. How have I imagined HIM?

·         A task master unhappy with me if I don’t measure up.

·         The areas of darkness in me displease Him.

·         The same grace a new believer gets for their immature sanctification is not available to me.

·         The phrase “I should know better”, drums in my head following a fleshly or selfish thought for misdeed.

I imagine God drumming His fingers on throne’s armrest waiting for me to grow up.

For the last four decades, I’ve been led to believe that “feelings are not to be trusted”, or “You don’t really feel that way, do you?” as if my feelings are tainted, jaded, or just plain wrong.

After three years of therapy it is liberating to conclude that this is untrue! How glorious and liberating to be able to name and FEEL emotions!

When we deny our feelings year after year we become less and less human. I became a slave. A slave to other’s opinions, feelings, approval or disapproval because I was under the impression feelings should be placed under my feet and trampled; or better yet, just ignore them.

It is hard for me to imagine the Lord angry, happy, joyful, sorrowful, etc. I’ve always had “stern” as the emotional descriptive.

Brennan Manning summarizes the Love of God so beautifully:

“It is always true to some extent that we make our images of God. It is even truer that our image of God makes us. Eventually we become like the God we imagine. One of the most beautiful fruits of knowing the God of Jesus is a compassionate attitude towards ourselves…This is why Scripture attaches such importance to knowing God. Healing our image of God heals our image of ourselves.” Lion and Lamb: The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus.

Oh Jesus, show us who you really are…not who we made you to be.