Bingeing and Purging

I’ve seen my soon-to-be-ex cry quite a few times the last year, but never in front of a Realtor. We discussed our options for selling the house and that was the last straw in his already full back-pack of stressors. If we are LUCKY we’ll get a very small amount out of the house; hardly enough to start new lives.

So the myriad of plans, discussions, ideas, and purging started. I had no idea you could get so much “stuff” in one 1600 square foot house and garage. Frightening really. I finally had had enough of the trash collectors bilking us of our hard earned cash and decided a dumpster was a more economical idea. I had no idea you could get so much “stuff” in one dumpster.

I was wacked on the side of the head with the irony - cumulative stuff in a dumpster in the midst of a divorce. I kept waiting for the deep wracking sobs and grief that I’d heard can accompany such an undertaking. It didn’t materialize; even when we divided some of the family photos. There was just a sweet sense of “Awww…remember that?” My husband didn’t fare so well and excused himself several times. If I wasn’t sure I was done, that would have been a good indicator.

There are many reasons divorcing couples should not live under the same roof. I know most readers (if I have any) would be saying “duh” about now, but I thought we were more mature than that. More Godly, More…I don’t know…just more. I was wrong. I guess we’ve made it this long, so we should get some kind of award; but the stress of living with an angry husband became too much and those wracking sobs found their way to the surface last week. That was when the bingeing started. Mint Milano cookies do wonders when eaten under the covers.

I am trying very hard to wrestle myself into compassion and mercy for this man I’ve spent 24 years with. Despite the deceit and betrayal, I tell myself Jesus died for him too, so if He can love and accept, so should I, right? After all - the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me so why can’t I raise my emotions from contempt and betrayal into the resurrection life of compassion and mercy.

I thought by living with him during this hellacious time, I would have this amazing testimony of how you can really “love” your enemy and forgive even if you can’t stay married.

Boy, I feel dumb.

My therapist, my friends, my co-workers thought I was crazy to stay under the same roof while trying to stay afloat financially. I think they were right. I definitely feel crazy…or just dumb.

On my next entry I’ll try to get out of my flesh and back to my search for Abba’s Child.

Compassion and Mercy Can be ashes of Sacrifice

My one constant prayer during this journey is, “Jesus, help me see Truth in all this.” That is a big prayer. I guess I didn’t say which truth, did I. In His infinite grace and faithfulness, He uncovered truth in my marriage, and to my surprise…truth in me.

I truly want to understand where my enemy weeps. Perhaps that will help me understand why the “enemy” chooses to wound.

Will that change his character?

No.

Will it change my decision?

No.

My understanding and planting seeds of compassion and mercy doesn’t change my enemy; however it does change me.

Whatever happened to compassion and mercy in the church? Oh we have plenty for the world, but what of it amongst ourselves? When does the “Pharisee” malignancy start? Perhaps it is a form of religious dementia. We forget where we came from and the pit He pulled us out of.

Most pastoral counseling I received on this journey has been “Be submitted and obedient. God blesses these.” The other very annoying counsel was, “Sometimes marriage is just a sacrifice.” I sacrificed and died to my flesh more times than I can count. Did it change my marriage? I’m not real sure. I know it changed me. I know that one day, if God wills, I remarry, I will be a much better wife and life partner because I’ve learned from this.

Marriage is a road riddled with sacrifice – kind of like a well-traveled highway. Some sacrifices are small and barely noticeable in the matrimonial pavement; like giving a kind word instead of a snide remark, or ignoring a criticism knowing your spouse is under stress. Other sacrifices are potholes so big we lose ourselves, like in an affair, financial infidelity, or abandonment.

No matter how big or small, all sacrifices have one thing in common. Something has to die. By bonfire or a knife in the heart, death is the main ingredient.